Why does any of this matter? And why is it something I’d let me friends know after keeping it nicely masked for so long? Why have I spent so many years painting a picture that takes away from every single bad trait I have to replace them with things that so many others don’t have in the “status quo”? We’ve already figured out that I spend too much money. TO the point of excess. I’ve had some jobs over the years that I’ve made really good money. And you know… I’ve spent every single dime of it. On myself no less. Yep toys toys toys out the wazoo. I’m a fly fisherman… rods and reels and gear that I could never use all of it. I’m a big shooting and gun fanatic… a stockpile of weapons practically that has got to have me on some watch list by now if they’re smart. I’m a musician… bass guitars, guitars, a drum set that would make Neal Peart smile. I inherited my father’s addiction to cars… so that’s averaged out to about a new car every other year in my adult life. Plus motorcycles and even two cars when one style wasn’t enough for a while. My Mom and Dad have paid for it all. Sure I had money for most of these things when I first did them. But now, two years later without a steady income and they’re still footing the bill. All of my spending habits have stemmed from things my parents did while I was growing up. But I’ll be damned if I haven’t taken every one of them to excess. I just never saw the lesson. I never had self-control behind it. Whatever was the cause of my spending problems was clearly behind my eating problems over the years. Hungry…eat everything you can until your tummy feels like it’s goanna pop and that must mean it’s time to stop eating. Need a snack before going to bed… how about down to McDonald’s for a couple of burgers and orders of fries. Snack while watching the big game… whole bag of chips surely isn’t out of the question. It’s all excess. It’s all GOOD lessons I’ve learned from people over the years about feeling good and not denying yourself happiness. But I’ve taken those lessons and gone so far past what they were meant to teach that they’ve gone in the opposite direction. People that have tried to get close to me over the years, including I think my parents, I’ve essentially come to the conclusion that I’ve thrown away a lot of it because it just was easier to do my own thing, buy my own toys, eat by myself so no one would comment, etc… Being able to look at it now, with some clarity (ironically clarity doesn’t always garner a solution) I am able to see I’ve shit one lot of people just because I could. I’ve always taken great pride in knowing that I’m a good person at heart and I don’t mistreat or belittle people. But wow, how have I been convincing myself of this without throwing my parents into that equation?

So why risk telling you all of this? Why go to the extreme of alienating myself once again just for the sake of getting a clean conscious? I’ve met some good, really good people since I’ve had my weight loss surgery. People that have taught me what it’s like to have friends and not just acquaintances. People that remind me how good I have it just by being who they are and letting me see what’s around me. Yeah, I can sit here and say the obvious that it’s not fair to lie to them any more. But honestly, I think the right answer, and the one I have a feeling they’d support, is that it’s not fair to lie to myself any more. How much of this have I done just to avoid working on ANY single problems in my life? I used to think people were tired of hearing me complain about things so it seems logical that I just kept painting a picture that I even believed that there wasn’t anything to complain about. I’m fed up with it now. I’ve lost 134 pounds in 6 months. It was easy… too easy. WAY TOO EASY. I’m now no longer the fat person who can blame all his problems on weight and image any more. I’ve lost that excuse. Even worse, any excuse I do come up with for behaviors lately is even starting to sound silly to myself.

I’ve got 4 exception friends right now in my life. The kind of friends I’ve never had before. People I grew up with treated be poorly… beyond what anyone should have to endure when it comes to bullying. The occasional friend I would get here and there I let do absolutely anything to me and put up with anything that I never got a spine in dealing with anyone I care about. I was arguing with a friend last night about a medical question. I was more worried about her not being unhappy with my viewpoint than I was with the potential problem itself. I’ve got a friend I’m in love with. She and I hit it off from day one and she supports me without even ever talking about weight and image, etc… But I’m scared as hell to think about what happens if it ever gets not easy. We’ve connected and it just works in the relationship we have on here that’s separated by thousands of miles across the world. So there again…easy. Yet I can’t build friendships with the people right in front of me. I do love this girl… so why do I not let myself make friendships that are below that? It’s the excess again… has to be all or nothing. I don’t want to be an idiot any more and just go through life carefree. When I tell someone that being carefree all the time is a problem, I’d like to seem like I least act in a way to back that up. I don’t wan to spend, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to isolate. Part of that is clearly letting those 4 friends know my whole story and not just the one I’ve painted. Sure, there might not be a lot of differences from who they see and who I am other than a back story and a financial backer… but that’s pretty damn deceptive even if it’s just those two. So Cheryl, Summer, Denise, and most of all Julie… I really hope you understand what I’m trying to do here as far as coming clean and needing to be 100% of who I am in order to help myself possibly hit rock bottom just in an effort to genuinely get to the top again. The same goes for my Mom and Dad. I don’t expect them to change about how they approach things, but I’ll be damned if I would be stupid enough to sit here and say I could do every bit of this without the 4 of you and my parents who are still a big part of my life. I hope you all understand. And I hope you all see that I just need to get to the bottom of what is something I’ve always pointed fingers at the weight having caused the issue.

So this is it
I say goodbye
To this chapter of my everchanging life
These mistakes
The path is long
And I’m sure I’ll answer for them when I’m gone

When the day comes in
And the Sun won’t touch my face
Tell the ones who cared enough
That I finally left this place

It’s been so cold
Look at my face
All the stories it will tell I can’t erase
The road is long
Just one more song
A little something to remind you when I’m gone
When I’m gone

The road to Hell
Along the way
Is paved with good intentions so they say
And some believe

That no good deed
That go unpunished in the end or so it seems

When the day comes in
And the Sun won’t touch my face
Tell the ones who cared enough
That I finally left this place

It’s been so cold
Look at my face
All the stories it will tell I can’t erase
The road is long
Just one more song
A little something to remind you when I’m gone
When I’m gone

So this is it
I say goodbye
To this chapter of my everchanging life
These mistakes
The path was long
And I’m sure I’ll answer for them when I’m gone
When I’m gone

The drive home was uneventful, but unbelievably long for the 15 minutes it takes. My mind really started questioning just what all of this was about. The only thing I was identifying with when I heard ADD was that the phrase “attention deficit” fits sooooo well. But, what exactly did that mean? Like so many of us do these days the first thing I did when I got home was sit at the computer and start looking up ADD and ADHD on the good ol’ goggle machine. I found tons and tons of information, though most of it related to ADD and ADHD in children. But some of the pages I came across where very detailed in all of the different traits with someone who has ADD or ADHD. As expected with anything where you are somewhat self-diagnosing while reading, I was able to pick out many of those traits that really fit me to a T. But again, it left me really pondering what does it all mean?

I started looking into some books to download and found one that did an amazing job at taking those traits, and using stories from ADD and ADHD patients to explain why they can be such enormous problems for someone who has gone through life without being treated for their ADD or ADHD. It felt good, it felt comfortable to be able to identify with something and be able to see certain things adding up to numbers that were making sense. But it left me thinking about what it means going forward… it seems like something that very little understand what exactly it means or does to the mind. I am afraid people will hear it and think it’s just an excuse for laziness or lack of focus and not see all of the things that are there. It’s something I really want to talk to others about, yet it’s not something that I want to be dropped as a subject if I bring it up. My closest friend right now is also going through some major life changes and is really hperfocused on herself right now so I know she couldn’t handle being able to discuss it. So what about the rest of you, who’s out there that shares this with me? Who’s out there that would like to genuinely discuss it and what you do to help your daily life?

    This has always been one of my favorites. The fact that it has the large basin and drain attached means it is perfect for those of us interested in enemas and douching. It’s got an adjustable back which I feel is essential for finding the right spot for the patient to be reclined as though they’re not putting too much pressure on any one area of the body. The stirrups I have always felt help the long-term restraint by taking pressure off of the lower back and, when positioned properly, letting all pressure be taken off of the hips and muscles of the hips. That’s just an opinion though and I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts on the pros and cons of stirrups. As for the arm boards… ultimate mobility with some heavy, heavy restraint options. You simple put the patient where everything feels comfortable to them, lock it down, and they are now stuck in that position that they chose.

My next pick is one that I think handles the patient comfort aspect in a little different direction. With a table like this there are so many choices of positioning. When the patient begins to tire they are able to be adjusted and moved so many different ways that it can be done without ever letting the patient out of the restraints. And mobility would only be granted at the doctor or nurses push of a button on the remote control.

I’ve often thought that birthing chairs must be the ultimate in comfort. They seem to be so adjustable. The fact that when a birthing mother is placed in the chair, she could be there for a long period of time leads me to believe that they must be padded very well. Again, the knee crutches here are one of the key aspects.

If the patient isn’t going to need to be in a laying down position and is simple going to spend a long time in restraints I’ve always thought a dental chair could serve that purpose. We all know how adjustable they are from our own dental experiences. And let’s face it… once they adjust the headrest properly it can be pretty damn comfortable. I’m undecided on if it needs straps or chain-based restraints like in this photo. I could see how the chains would allow the patient to have a little more flexibility yet still being heavily restrained. Since immobility is more difficult as stiffness sets into the muscles and joints then a system like this may give the patient just enough movement to help prolong the experience.

And last but not least you need a good way to transport your patient to and from the patient’s room to the surgical and treatment facilitates. The best way to handle that is with a good standard gurney. They’ve got attachment points all over for nice heavy leather restraints, they usually have sides that can be raised and lower… and when they’re raised they do give a nice “cage effect” when you’re lying flat on them. Restraints are key here and I do feel they should be leather, nylon, etc… as total immobilization must be the goal. Keeping the patient unable to thrash about is all about safety as they’ll be moving through the facility typically while being on the gurney.

I started my weight loss journey within the last few months. I’ve been grossly overweight all of my life and, like most, I’ve tried things here and there to lose weight. To most it’s a black and white issue. If you’re overweight then stop eating so much and exercise. Well, the reality of it is that those people are right. The harsh reality of it is that those people are also wrong and that’s one reason I think this ends up being such a polarizing topic both in the obese and non-obese communities. Broken down to its simplest form one can easily say that if you are overweight that means you eat too much and you have to eat less. From a physiological standpoint that’s logical and it makes sense to everything we know about maintaining a healthy weight. For those that don’t fall into the morbidly obese category or haven’t developed any comorbidities it may be as simple as that. But for some of us it’s not the food that’s the problem and it’s not the lack of exercise. It’s the lifestyle that’s the problem. It’s learned behavior that we’ve dealt with for years and it’s become habit. No, it’s not an excuse… it’s just a reason, a theory, a starting point, etc… Ultimately every single one of us who are overweight the dissenters are correct that WE have to do something about the problem. We’re the only ones that can decide it’s the right time to go down that road. There is not a single solution out there that should be taken callously though as each person’s decision making is a little different and they have to find a method that works both for and with them. To those of you who want to say it’s just eating less and exercising more… this is where I have a major problem with you.

I’ve chosen to lose weight and modify my lifestyle to be able to make healthy choices and keep them healthy. Why is that not enough for some of you? Setting the wheels in motion you’d think would be enough. What I have found is that there is an almost cult-like feeling that taking the surgical route is making it too easy, is the simple way out, is giving up doing it on your own. Well, if you think that then chances are that’s as far as your opinion goes… it must be so easy for someone to volunteer to lay down and get their fat taken out and the next day they’re magically slim. Think I am saying that a little too drastically? Perhaps… but it’s how you react to me and my fellow companions who have made this choice. What you are not seeing is the amount of time that goes into such an undertaking both before and after the surgery. Yes, the inside of my body may be going to be physically altered to change the way I digest and absorb food but that’s not the end of it. Really it’s about mentally changing the way I approach food and so many other things in my life to make sure that I “cooperate” with the surgical changes they’re going to make to my body. In the simplest form it’s going to be a journey that lasts months and months and months. But in reality, if it’s going to work 100%, it’s something that’s going to last for the rest of my life.

So for those of you who question why I would do this to myself or those of you who think it’s the easy way out why not stop and talk to me or any number of us out there who are going through the process, have been through it, or who even just familiar with the topic. I think you’ll see something that you’re not aware of and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Overweight people who choose to genuinely do something about their weight problem, from the simple of portion control or counting calories all the way up to surgical intervention, are good people and we’re something on the inside that you may never see until you look past the outside. So go ahead, let me prove to you how right I am.

The biggest hurdle I thought would be just the mental barrier of making that first step and getting things going.  Little did I know it was going to be the health insurance that I carry.  I have a policy that was offered by my previous employer.  Like anyone else my costs went up while I was in that plan, services went down, and interaction with the provider got more and more different.  I had looked into what my coverage was for weight-related issues in general last week and found that pretty much everything is excluded, specifically weight loss surgery.  Funny thing is I bet they’ll cover stuff like Viagra and certain cosmetic procedures.  I didn’t let that stop me too much since it was just a cursory quick check with the insurance and I hadn’t even been to talk to the surgical group that would be doing the surgery yet.  I figured when I went to meet with them for the first time I’d get the specifics on how to request that kind of coverage, who to ask for, etc….

I attended one of the small seminars the surgical practice offers to familiarize potential patients with the specifics of the various procedures as well as all of the things you need to take care of for the benefit of the insurance providers.  I even was approached by the administrator of the practice that traditionally they have difficulties with United Healthcare.  I took this into account today when I sat down to call my insurance provider again.  This time I was armed with billing and diagnosis codes as well as knowing to ask for a specific case manager and not just the first representative that answers the phone.  I dialed the number, again pleased by how fast I got through to someone.  After doing the typical song and dance to verify who I am I get right to the point.  Knowing they said they don’t cover it wasn’t really deterring me perhaps the way it should have.  I felt somewhat optimistic that, having armed myself with the right information and the right procedure, I’d get somewhere.  Well, in short… I GOT NOWHERE.

So where does that leave all of this?  Well, no farther along than where I started I suppose.  I can’t even comprehend going on such an epic journey without the support of friends and family and especially those people that I’ve been faithfully paying bills to for several years now.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m here, with no one interested in even knowing what this is all about or discussing it, and with an insurance provider that won’t pay the bills.  Not even part of them!  So, pay with cash perhaps?  I’m sure that’s a possibility but I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of questions that brings up or what kind of unforeseen situations it might breed.

Thanks for listening to my rant.  It’s rare that I ask for someone to understand how something makes me feel but generally I feel like why bother if no one asks ahead of time.  Comment if you will.

A big part of the highlight of the week was meeting someone new. And no this isn’t one of those she’s the girl of my dreams and I love her dearly (she could be, but that’s something you’ll have to wait for a future blog), etc… But it is a realistic look at someone who, just through friendship and simple respect has helped me take some positive steps this week. Do I think of her as one of those potential people that anything and everything in life could happen with? Of course I do… one look at her coupled with a few minutes of talking to her and just about anyone would quickly understand how amazing and beautiful she is. But that’s not what I want to focus on in this blog… She and I had crossed paths about a month ago on Fetlife. For those of you who don’t use FetLife it’s just a nice web service where likeminded fetish-oriented people go to share interests and stories and photos and the like… almost like a Facebook but not as “instant content” oriented. She had commented on a few photos of mine and we did exchange some comments back and forth and sadly that’s where it was left for a few weeks. At the time I was dealing with some medical issues with my father and it left me drifting away from people for little bit just as an effort to try and relax and concentrate on what was happening.

Fast forward to this week when I am browsing through Felife and I come across a post that my she had made dealing with weight loss, specifically bariatric surgery. Those of you who know me well know this is something I have been talking about roughly since 2004 when my family doctor at the time first suggested it to me. Ok, all of a sudden I had a reason to do more than just explain pleasantries with her and not worry about what might have been lost in not getting back to her for the few weeks while I was avoiding the net. We talked, a lot. And kept talking… a lot. And sure it was a lot about weight and surgery and such, but it was also just about all of the casual stuff we all talk about when getting to know someone new. I don’t want to cut the details short, but they’re really irrelevant for this discussion. But she connected with me in a way that finally kicked me in the butt and said to me to go ahead and start the whole weight loss process. Stop fooling around with putting it off and trendy diets and self-loathing. Make those phone calls.

To make the story short, it took someone who could talk about all of this in a simple black and white view of things to make me want to do it. It took someone believing in me taking those first steps… and maybe even the fact that she was a relative stranger who was exuding confidence in me so fast really kicked me in the butt. The point is, for everything we procrastinate with, there’s got to be something out there that can make us just change our minds sometimes. No, there will be other blogs forthcoming as far as how truly beautiful and amazing this girl is and how she and I share so many fetish interests in common, etc… But this isn’t one of those, this is just a story of how physical beauty lures you in and then internal beauty takes over and completes the whole picture. When and if that happens for any of you, make sure you tell the person that helped you thanks. They know what they’ve done, but damn, it makes it feel great to let them know. So all I can say baby is thank you sooooooooooooooo much. No matter where we take this friendship from this day forward, you may have already saved a life and made an impact on someone that is truly priceless.

I sit here typing this listening to every creaky sound my red PVC catsuit makes as I type. It’s been ages since I’ve worn it. It has a sweet smell to it. One that reminds me of the years I’ve been wearing it yet the vinyl still smells brand new. It’s a bright, glossy, shiny red. So I must admit I look a little silly sitting here in my home office that’s very professionally appointed and furnished. Normally I close the doors to my office and I switch into my business professional mode for the rest of the day. But not today. As I pull off the second layer of latex gloves I have on, leaving just a thin pair of green nitrile gloves, to make it easier to type, it hits me that I should put down my thoughts on paper to share with all of you.

I woke up early for unknown reasons this morning. Sunlight was just breaking and I was lying in bed ready to get up and face the day. It was shaping up to be a beautiful morning with not a cloud in the sky. I took off the vinyl onesie I slept in last night and set it aside to dry off. My diaper was perfectly dry (they’re always dry… it’s not like I NEED to wear them) so I decided to leave it on. As I always do, I walked to the kitchen and made my oh-so-cherished first cup of coffee of the morning. I walked down the hall and up the stair to my beautiful office that sits off of the loft that overlooks my 2 ½ story great room where I normally spend my evenings. Though, off the other side of the loft is where my playroom is. I generically refer to it as my Operating Room or OR. It’s the room that I am going to one day have looking just like an old classic hospital OR. But that’s a blog for another day. As I walked through the doors to my office it hits me that I am just not ready to sit down for the day and get started. Hey, I’m the owner of this new company so I am allowed to make those kinds of decisions. I decide to head off to my playroom. I don’t have anything specific in mind to do so I just being like I do any solo session. That starts with getting dressed appropriately, in this case a rubber hospital exam gown, and strapping myself to my OR table. I can do the ankles and all of the body straps and still leave myself with one hand ready to undo it all. I use a quick-release clip on the leather cuff that normally adorns my right wrist when I am on the table. I decide on something simple today… just anal beads and some penis pumping. It’s complimented nicely when I crack open some nitrous canisters and breath them from the rebreathing bag on my anesthesia circuit. It’s not like we get at the dentist, but hey, whippets still have a major purpose in our world. I lie there just enjoying the gentle pressure from the pump, my eyes closed, breathing through he mask, just listening to my breath flowing through the tubes. It’s relaxing, serene, and peaceful. I think if it was in a different situation I could sleep. The nitrous starts to wear off and I get track of the time. It’s time to take the pump off and go sit down at the computer to get some work done. I decide against leaving the rubber gown on… It just can get too hot when you plan on wearing it for extended periods of time. So here I sit now then, the red catsuit in all it’s shiny glory, a comfy pair of large silicone anal beads, a nice tight and dry diaper, wondering if the world gets any better that it already is at this wonderful moment.