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30 Years…how many more???

Where does time go?  What happens to all of those we’ve known over the years that disappear?  What happens to ourselves when bits and pieces of the personalities we’ve had start to disappear? 

What happens when one day you just start to realize that so much of your life has been unnoticed by those you’re close to, and even worse… forgotten by you?  How can someone who has accomplished so much in life, have accomplished not a single thing in personal relations.  How can things you do every single day of your life for some years just drop out of your mind like all of the friends and loved ones that have disappeared like the leave in the Fall?  Why do you fall into a pit of hopelessness, and into a realm of contentment and bliss the next?

These are a lot of the thoughts that have come to mind lately.  As some of you know I just had my 30th birthday and built my first house.  It seems like to get to those two milestones that I had to give up something.  I just go back and look at the last 30 years so much and try to understand where I sold my soul and what did I give it up for.  How do I get it back?  How do I return to the person that someone can fall in love with, can enjoy their company, and enjoy me for me? 

I think in my mind I’ve written it off so many times saying someone else is the one with the problem with me and not me causing the issue.  But when you start to take stock of what you’ve accomplished in life and realize all you’ve got is a ton of material goods what value does it hold when you’ve got a completely empty heart.  Worse yet, what if you know you can probably better yourself by changing some things about you yet your mind won’t let it happen.  One minute the depression worsens and becomes apparent, and then the next it’s a lack of even remembering how bad you felt to have written words like these. 

Is it the mind or the heart that drives you running away from the ones you do love and want to be with yet unable to say what’s on your mind to the ones who don’t interest you?  And whichever it is, shouldn’t it kick into preservation mode at some point and make you settle for something that’s good for you, and can help fill that empty heart?  At what point do you just admit defeat and agree that you’re broken beyond repair? 

There are two events in my life that I look back on and desperately wish for second chances on.  Both of them involve women.  The first did some horrible things that I have blamed her for, for many years now.  But looking at things with an empty heart and a clear head… was it not me that let it happen?  That didn’t want to discuss it instead of just walking away when things got so bad?  With that logic…isn’t the way things went really my fault after all?  The second was absolutely everything I could ask for in someone.  She was the first girls I’d EVER fallen in love with who was small, shaped beautiful, and amazingly attractive.  But one day, I felt annoyed and needed some space, maybe even just for a few hours or days at worst.  Yet, my empty broken heart took over once more, and dug a deeper hole in what began as a shallow grave. 

Both of these women, I’d literally agree to an early demise for just a couple enjoyable years with them.  Yet one is happily married, and the other is still mad enough at me she hasn’t talked to me since the day that I pulled away.  Giving my life away for some quality time with either of them seems to be a cheap price to pay compared to the one I’ve paid somewhere along the path.  For once your soul is gone, can it ever be found again?

September 19, 2008 - Posted by | Life

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