Medfet's Weblog

Medical Fetish Fun and Fantasy

Something to Remind You…

So those that know me well know that I can pretty much come up with theme music for any part of life.  I am such a music freak and my tastes are from one to extreme or another when it comes to favorites.  One of those songs recently that caught my attention was off of Staind’s self-titled new album.  It’s called “Something to Remind You”.  It was just one of those songs that gets under your skin in a good self-reflective way and really touches the heart and soul… thought I’d share the lyrics here.

So this is it
I say goodbye
To this chapter of my everchanging life
These mistakes
The path is long
And I’m sure I’ll answer for them when I’m gone

When the day comes in
And the Sun won’t touch my face
Tell the ones who cared enough
That I finally left this place

It’s been so cold
Look at my face
All the stories it will tell I can’t erase
The road is long
Just one more song
A little something to remind you when I’m gone
When I’m gone

The road to Hell
Along the way
Is paved with good intentions so they say
And some believe

That no good deed
That go unpunished in the end or so it seems

When the day comes in
And the Sun won’t touch my face
Tell the ones who cared enough
That I finally left this place

It’s been so cold
Look at my face
All the stories it will tell I can’t erase
The road is long
Just one more song
A little something to remind you when I’m gone
When I’m gone

So this is it
I say goodbye
To this chapter of my everchanging life
These mistakes
The path was long
And I’m sure I’ll answer for them when I’m gone
When I’m gone

November 9, 2011 Posted by | Life, Song Lyrics | , | Leave a comment

Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults

I just got home from seeing my therapist this a little while ago.  As any of you who’ve made that visit can relate to I’m now sitting here reflecting on things we talked about, etc….  I’ve been seeing her for a couple of months now and it feels like we’re finally getting into the deep, through-provoking, details and not just the casual questions and answers that I assume they use to get to know you and get a baseline.  We started talking about how some of my problems we’re working, along with past history, really are starting to indicate the presence of ADHD.  I kind of chuckled at first because the only key word that rang out to me was the hyperactivity part.  If you know me, you’d know I’m not the stereotypical hyperactive person.  So I asked more… It was interesting to know that the first thing that was stressed to me was that not everyone presents with the typical hyperactivity trait. Even more so, the hyperactivity can be in the mind and not necessarily in the physical actions. I was not really sure what to say as I hadn’t gone to see her thinking I’d get any kind of diagnosis or anything like that, but just had been going because I wanted some help working through some things in my life. Things related to my weight and personal motivations, etc…

The drive home was uneventful, but unbelievably long for the 15 minutes it takes. My mind really started questioning just what all of this was about. The only thing I was identifying with when I heard ADD was that the phrase “attention deficit” fits sooooo well. But, what exactly did that mean? Like so many of us do these days the first thing I did when I got home was sit at the computer and start looking up ADD and ADHD on the good ol’ goggle machine. I found tons and tons of information, though most of it related to ADD and ADHD in children. But some of the pages I came across where very detailed in all of the different traits with someone who has ADD or ADHD. As expected with anything where you are somewhat self-diagnosing while reading, I was able to pick out many of those traits that really fit me to a T. But again, it left me really pondering what does it all mean?

I started looking into some books to download and found one that did an amazing job at taking those traits, and using stories from ADD and ADHD patients to explain why they can be such enormous problems for someone who has gone through life without being treated for their ADD or ADHD. It felt good, it felt comfortable to be able to identify with something and be able to see certain things adding up to numbers that were making sense. But it left me thinking about what it means going forward… it seems like something that very little understand what exactly it means or does to the mind. I am afraid people will hear it and think it’s just an excuse for laziness or lack of focus and not see all of the things that are there. It’s something I really want to talk to others about, yet it’s not something that I want to be dropped as a subject if I bring it up. My closest friend right now is also going through some major life changes and is really hperfocused on herself right now so I know she couldn’t handle being able to discuss it. So what about the rest of you, who’s out there that shares this with me? Who’s out there that would like to genuinely discuss it and what you do to help your daily life?

May 8, 2011 Posted by | Life | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Surgical weight loss… a journey AND a destination.

Life’s a journey and not a destination. We’ve all heard that so many times that it’s become a bit clichéd. But when you think about it, isn’t it really both? I mean for different people, different perspectives, and different opinions… it means something a little different for everyone. Since I’ve thrown out that little conundrum I’d like to bring up another one… one that seems to be a controversial topic for a lot of people out there. Surgical weight loss is something we’ve all heard of even if we’re not overweight. Chances are we know someone or have a friend of a friend that knows someone who has gone through something like gastric-bypass, banding, and others. It’s not really those that I want to discuss here but the overall surgery itself. It’s a polarizing topic and I am trying to understand why.

I started my weight loss journey within the last few months. I’ve been grossly overweight all of my life and, like most, I’ve tried things here and there to lose weight. To most it’s a black and white issue. If you’re overweight then stop eating so much and exercise. Well, the reality of it is that those people are right. The harsh reality of it is that those people are also wrong and that’s one reason I think this ends up being such a polarizing topic both in the obese and non-obese communities. Broken down to its simplest form one can easily say that if you are overweight that means you eat too much and you have to eat less. From a physiological standpoint that’s logical and it makes sense to everything we know about maintaining a healthy weight. For those that don’t fall into the morbidly obese category or haven’t developed any comorbidities it may be as simple as that. But for some of us it’s not the food that’s the problem and it’s not the lack of exercise. It’s the lifestyle that’s the problem. It’s learned behavior that we’ve dealt with for years and it’s become habit. No, it’s not an excuse… it’s just a reason, a theory, a starting point, etc… Ultimately every single one of us who are overweight the dissenters are correct that WE have to do something about the problem. We’re the only ones that can decide it’s the right time to go down that road. There is not a single solution out there that should be taken callously though as each person’s decision making is a little different and they have to find a method that works both for and with them. To those of you who want to say it’s just eating less and exercising more… this is where I have a major problem with you.

I’ve chosen to lose weight and modify my lifestyle to be able to make healthy choices and keep them healthy. Why is that not enough for some of you? Setting the wheels in motion you’d think would be enough. What I have found is that there is an almost cult-like feeling that taking the surgical route is making it too easy, is the simple way out, is giving up doing it on your own. Well, if you think that then chances are that’s as far as your opinion goes… it must be so easy for someone to volunteer to lay down and get their fat taken out and the next day they’re magically slim. Think I am saying that a little too drastically? Perhaps… but it’s how you react to me and my fellow companions who have made this choice. What you are not seeing is the amount of time that goes into such an undertaking both before and after the surgery. Yes, the inside of my body may be going to be physically altered to change the way I digest and absorb food but that’s not the end of it. Really it’s about mentally changing the way I approach food and so many other things in my life to make sure that I “cooperate” with the surgical changes they’re going to make to my body. In the simplest form it’s going to be a journey that lasts months and months and months. But in reality, if it’s going to work 100%, it’s something that’s going to last for the rest of my life.

So for those of you who question why I would do this to myself or those of you who think it’s the easy way out why not stop and talk to me or any number of us out there who are going through the process, have been through it, or who even just familiar with the topic. I think you’ll see something that you’re not aware of and I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Overweight people who choose to genuinely do something about their weight problem, from the simple of portion control or counting calories all the way up to surgical intervention, are good people and we’re something on the inside that you may never see until you look past the outside. So go ahead, let me prove to you how right I am.

April 12, 2011 Posted by | Life, Weight loss | , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Health insurance is only as good as what it will actually cover…

I usually limit my blogs and posts to funny things or quirky things or just comments and photos in general that just are meant to poke a sleeping bear and spark some conversation.  I’m going to take a little different approach for this post and do a little ranting.  For those of you that know me very well I’ve been researching and contemplating weight loss surgery off and on for a good 5 years now.  I’ve recently started down the path of moving forward and getting the ball rolling.  It’s not an easy path, or a fun one, or even one that lets you feel any kind of emotional relief anywhere before or soon after any surgery.  But it’s one that has to be done for who are in my category of morbid obesity.

The biggest hurdle I thought would be just the mental barrier of making that first step and getting things going.  Little did I know it was going to be the health insurance that I carry.  I have a policy that was offered by my previous employer.  Like anyone else my costs went up while I was in that plan, services went down, and interaction with the provider got more and more different.  I had looked into what my coverage was for weight-related issues in general last week and found that pretty much everything is excluded, specifically weight loss surgery.  Funny thing is I bet they’ll cover stuff like Viagra and certain cosmetic procedures.  I didn’t let that stop me too much since it was just a cursory quick check with the insurance and I hadn’t even been to talk to the surgical group that would be doing the surgery yet.  I figured when I went to meet with them for the first time I’d get the specifics on how to request that kind of coverage, who to ask for, etc….

I attended one of the small seminars the surgical practice offers to familiarize potential patients with the specifics of the various procedures as well as all of the things you need to take care of for the benefit of the insurance providers.  I even was approached by the administrator of the practice that traditionally they have difficulties with United Healthcare.  I took this into account today when I sat down to call my insurance provider again.  This time I was armed with billing and diagnosis codes as well as knowing to ask for a specific case manager and not just the first representative that answers the phone.  I dialed the number, again pleased by how fast I got through to someone.  After doing the typical song and dance to verify who I am I get right to the point.  Knowing they said they don’t cover it wasn’t really deterring me perhaps the way it should have.  I felt somewhat optimistic that, having armed myself with the right information and the right procedure, I’d get somewhere.  Well, in short… I GOT NOWHERE.

So where does that leave all of this?  Well, no farther along than where I started I suppose.  I can’t even comprehend going on such an epic journey without the support of friends and family and especially those people that I’ve been faithfully paying bills to for several years now.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m here, with no one interested in even knowing what this is all about or discussing it, and with an insurance provider that won’t pay the bills.  Not even part of them!  So, pay with cash perhaps?  I’m sure that’s a possibility but I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of questions that brings up or what kind of unforeseen situations it might breed.

Thanks for listening to my rant.  It’s rare that I ask for someone to understand how something makes me feel but generally I feel like why bother if no one asks ahead of time.  Comment if you will.

March 4, 2011 Posted by | Life, Rants | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Wow what a week!

In my blogging over the years I’ve used it as a chance to rant and rave, make funny comments about people and politics and just to have fun and share my thoughts in general with anyone who randomly stumbles across my blog. For once though I’m going to change the tone and get a little serious… okay not like put on your tinfoil hats and head underground serious, but just pointing out what has been a pretty good week for a lot of different reasons.

A big part of the highlight of the week was meeting someone new. And no this isn’t one of those she’s the girl of my dreams and I love her dearly (she could be, but that’s something you’ll have to wait for a future blog), etc… But it is a realistic look at someone who, just through friendship and simple respect has helped me take some positive steps this week. Do I think of her as one of those potential people that anything and everything in life could happen with? Of course I do… one look at her coupled with a few minutes of talking to her and just about anyone would quickly understand how amazing and beautiful she is. But that’s not what I want to focus on in this blog… She and I had crossed paths about a month ago on Fetlife. For those of you who don’t use FetLife it’s just a nice web service where likeminded fetish-oriented people go to share interests and stories and photos and the like… almost like a Facebook but not as “instant content” oriented. She had commented on a few photos of mine and we did exchange some comments back and forth and sadly that’s where it was left for a few weeks. At the time I was dealing with some medical issues with my father and it left me drifting away from people for little bit just as an effort to try and relax and concentrate on what was happening.

Fast forward to this week when I am browsing through Felife and I come across a post that my she had made dealing with weight loss, specifically bariatric surgery. Those of you who know me well know this is something I have been talking about roughly since 2004 when my family doctor at the time first suggested it to me. Ok, all of a sudden I had a reason to do more than just explain pleasantries with her and not worry about what might have been lost in not getting back to her for the few weeks while I was avoiding the net. We talked, a lot. And kept talking… a lot. And sure it was a lot about weight and surgery and such, but it was also just about all of the casual stuff we all talk about when getting to know someone new. I don’t want to cut the details short, but they’re really irrelevant for this discussion. But she connected with me in a way that finally kicked me in the butt and said to me to go ahead and start the whole weight loss process. Stop fooling around with putting it off and trendy diets and self-loathing. Make those phone calls.

To make the story short, it took someone who could talk about all of this in a simple black and white view of things to make me want to do it. It took someone believing in me taking those first steps… and maybe even the fact that she was a relative stranger who was exuding confidence in me so fast really kicked me in the butt. The point is, for everything we procrastinate with, there’s got to be something out there that can make us just change our minds sometimes. No, there will be other blogs forthcoming as far as how truly beautiful and amazing this girl is and how she and I share so many fetish interests in common, etc… But this isn’t one of those, this is just a story of how physical beauty lures you in and then internal beauty takes over and completes the whole picture. When and if that happens for any of you, make sure you tell the person that helped you thanks. They know what they’ve done, but damn, it makes it feel great to let them know. So all I can say baby is thank you sooooooooooooooo much. No matter where we take this friendship from this day forward, you may have already saved a life and made an impact on someone that is truly priceless.

February 26, 2011 Posted by | Life | Leave a comment

Who did you decide to be today?

So something that’s been on my mind lately is the personalities we have when we go online. There are a lot of us that are able to relax and be who we want to be on here. The benefit of that is that we seem to be able to reach out to people we normally wouldn’t reach out to and talk to them by being our true “inner” self. But, I’ve noticed a major downside to that over the years I’ve been on here. From time-to-time I’ve had those female profiles online that I’ve used to chat with, etc… Now let me add the caveat that I have never once used them for sexual purposes… No roleplaying, no getting off, nothing along those lines. I have used them for pure friendly chat and getting to know people. The one thing that stands out in my mind is that, guys pay attention here especially; we treat women online like shit. We treat them like objects. I still am amazed at how approachable women seem to be for men here. The comments just fly out of the mouth without any kind of regard to how it’s received on the other end.

With that being said, it turns my interest down the road of our fetish interests. Because of those so we just naturally assume that someone else who shares the same desires should be just as open and willing as we are? Do we continue to assume that they are as interested in that single act that they are as desperate as we are? But why do we treat the women like shit, like objects, like people who are here for our own purposes?

Ok, in all fairness, there is no doubt this goes on with the roles reversed of course. There is no doubt that many of us see the profiles day after day that constantly say things like “no men”, “les only”, etc… The first thing that comes to mind is clearly not all of these people out there are really bisexual or lesbians. But, to me, the next thought has started to become the idea that this is something we’ve possibly created. Do we just target them? Do we just go after them and try to get off and leave? If all of that’s true does it mean that it justifies it all? Sure, there are no clear answers here just because it’s something different for all of us. But at the end of the day, who did you DECIDE to be today? You or the other you?

January 24, 2010 Posted by | Fetish, Life | , , , | Leave a comment

When Medical Fetish and Medical Reality Collide

So many of us that have such a deep interest in the medical world seem to have moments in their lives where the fetish and reality of medicine collide. For most of us maybe that’s the yearly trip to the doctor, or the semi-annual trip to the dentist. For others it’s something more involved and deep. The point is that I think we all go through moments where we have to draw a line between the two more than we normally would just to be able to navigate a difficult situation. This particular instance is happening with me today and involves a surgery my mother is undergoing at the moment.

Now, it’s a routine thing it seems like and the outcomes are expected to be great. But, you still have that generic fear of the unknown. She’s have a lumbar laminectomy, and I’m about 99% certain that I didn’t spell that correctly. Basically they are going to fix a very small amount of spinal stenosis in her spinal column that causes some constant pain in the back and hips and legs. From the clinician point-of-view it’s a 2 hour procedure, with 2 hours in the recovery room after, and then she’ll be admitted until the next day. After that she’s home and on “light duty” for about a month. She’s allowed to drive early next week and she’s allowed to navigate steps and such as soon as she feels comfortable enough to do so. Basically it’s one of those surgeries where everything post-op seems to be very calm and collected and simple to deal with.

The problem comes in when we all start to think about all of the pieces in medical fetish we hold near and dear to our hearts. As you imagine the anesthesia, the prep, the post-op, the recovery these are all things you tend to be familiar with in the research we’ve done and the information we share with others. So, the process itself isn’t daunting. It’s just that unknown fear of something in the back of your mind that makes your stomach all uncomfortable and your heart race with unknown stress. It’s at that moment when you see the beautiful nurse walking by in her blue scrubs and blue bouffant, neatly holding her long hair in place, that you have to remind yourself that you’re here for someone else and not just for your own “viewing pleasure” for lack of a better term.

I don’t want this blog to be a rant on being able to draw lines or even as one against the negative sides to the healthcare industry. Those of you who know me know that I spend a very big portion of my business life working in healthcare and see the good and bad sides. So if it was to be a rant about that, I could go on and on about all the things I think we could do to fix the system. Instead, I want to share this with you all as a journey to understand the inter working parts and pieces of the mind of someone like myself and how I draw the lines, etc… I, as always, would appreciate any possible feedback you could give.

The alarm starts ringing at 430 AM. I know I’ve got to get to my parent’s house by 6 to be able to get my mom to the hospital by 645. I assumed I would do my normal morning routine which consists of me hitting the snooze button 2 or 3 times so that I can gradually wake up over the next 30 minutes. Not today though, my mind is racing and my stomach feeling like there are things floating around in there. It quickly awakens me and I waste some time watching some cheesy movie on TV. I head into the bathroom as usual and take care of all of that… about 45 minutes later I’m in the car and headed down the road to my parent’s house. I am really not worried about anything specific that may happen to her. I am just worried about the situation in general. It’s more or less like some primal fear that humans have… being afraid of being afraid.

645 and we pull into the valet line at the hospital. Yes, valet parking… sooooooo handy when you own an enormous SUV that can have a hell of a time fitting into downtown Pittsburgh parking lots that weren’t built in the last 10-15 years. I will give this place credit that they do have the check-in process very streamlined. We head directly to the floor where they do all of the staging for ambulatory patients and within just a few moments we’re off to the waiting room. They call her name to head to the nurse’s station to get her room assignment for all of the pre-op. I’m told to check at the reception desk automatically in 15-20 minutes and they will send me back to see her. So far so good. I arrive in her room and am pleased to see that her surgeon’s assistant is already with her doing a preliminary exam before the surgery and asking all of those annoying medical questions. I swear they seem more like a social agenda than they do medically relevant. Was waiting for just one more person to ask her if she can get around on her own (she walked into the hospital) and who was taking her home since she was unaccompanied. That one was interesting since I was sitting there in the room and she had identified me as her son. But, alas, I agreed not to turn this into a rant.

Next thing we know they are sending someone in to do the next round of checks. Another nurse with another set of records and yet the same questions she’s been asked before. Now, I will rant just a tiny bit as this woman had absolutely ZERO patience for any humor and really no bedside manner at all. She didn’t identify herself, she didn’t say why she was asking all of the same questions again. The funny part begins when she starts going over the medication list. She’s reading the names off of her pretty white sheet in her nifty little organized binder that she’s got and I am starting to wonder if she’s even literate. My mom tells her, repeatedly, that everything she takes, other than one specific drug, is all taken in the evening at around 8 o’clock and that she DID take them all yesterday. Nope, didn’t matter, this woman kept asking and didn’t even pause when my mother and I were pointing out the absurdity. So, not taking done, god only knows what vault of endless paper it’s going into, and they literally run me out of the room to get her down to the OR. So yes, I was a little ticked off at that. This idiot probably was sitting at the desk eating her Splenda bulger wheat bran muffin (I’m guessing she seems so cold because she’s constipated) and drinking her triple venti, half-and-half, soy latte instead of making her morning rounds to get everyone checked in and moving. I definitely do not have patience for people that do not do their jobs at the speed and efficiency at which I feel I do my own.

It’s about 8 o’clock and I’ve worked my way back to the reception desk where they tell me what the procedure is. I need to be in their waiting room to make sure that I get the call from the doctor when he calls to say how the surgery went. Really? A call? A phone call? This jackass is cutting someone open and then doesn’t even have the decency to come talk to their family when he’s done? OK, no problem right? I’ve got my laptop and a book with me so I look in the waiting room… and yep, it’s filled, with all of the people that brought their extended families with them to wait for their particular family member. So why not head down to the cafeteria to get some coffee. They said I could do that within the first hour so hey, why not.

The world runs on Dunkin’ Doughnuts coffee. That’s what John Goodman tells us on their television and radio commercials. Well, if it runs on their coffee then I can say we have a world full of people out there who don’t know what coffee is. It was black, and it had a slight coffee flavor to it but, with the temperature that would be generated only by the big bang, it was less than appetizing. I pick up my book and start to read hoping to pass the time. Now, common sense will tell you that I am enjoying myself sitting there watching all of the lovely women in medical attire walking by. And that would be a correct assumption. Though, I am at that point where it feels just slightly odd as a positive feeling since I’m sitting here waiting for my mom (who’s clearly my best friend) in surgery.

I wrote this a few weeks ago and never got the chance to finish it. I decided not to finish it since then just because it would defeat the purpose of capturing the feeling at the time. I did just want to make the point though that a lot of the inexperienced folks out there think that medical fetish is as simple as “getting off” by visiting the doctor. That’s just not it at all… and I hope this blog helped some people see that we tend to draw a very clean line between the two.

September 24, 2009 Posted by | Fetish, Life | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

The Parable of the Broken Window

The idea of stimulating the economy by “forcing” one to circulate their money on good they don’t normally intend to purchase is not a new one. Public works projects have been created globally for centuries to create new jobs as well as today’s catch phrase “stimulate the economy”. The following parable was written by a Frenchman in the 1850’s. It is something those in charge of our nations really need to pay attention to in this mad dash around the world to “stimulate the economy”.

Have you ever witnessed the anger of the good shopkeeper, James Goodfellow, when his careless son happened to break a pane of glass? If you have been present at such a scene, you will most assuredly bear witness to the fact, that every one of the spectators, were there even thirty of them, by common consent apparently, offered the unfortunate owner this invariable consolation—”It is an ill wind that blows nobody good. Everybody must live, and what would become of the glaziers if panes of glass were never broken?”

Now, this form of condolence contains an entire theory, which it will be well to show up in this simple case, seeing that it is precisely the same as that which, unhappily, regulates the greater part of our economical institutions.

Suppose it cost six francs to repair the damage, and you say that the accident brings six francs to the glazier’s trade—that it encourages that trade to the amount of six francs—I grant it; I have not a word to say against it; you reason justly. The glazier comes, performs his task, receives his six francs, rubs his hands, and, in his heart, blesses the careless child. All this is that which is seen.

But if, on the other hand, you come to the conclusion, as is too often the case, that it is a good thing to break windows, that it causes money to circulate, and that the encouragement of industry in general will be the result of it, you will oblige me to call out, “Stop there! Your theory is confined to that which is seen; it takes no account of that which is not seen.”

It is not seen that as our shopkeeper has spent six francs upon one thing, he cannot spend them upon another. It is not seen that if he had not had a window to replace, he would, perhaps, have replaced his old shoes, or added another book to his library. In short, he would have employed his six francs in some way, which this accident has prevented.

January 28, 2009 Posted by | Life | Leave a comment

How Much Time do we Have?

About the time our original thirteen states adopted their new constitution in 1787, Alexander Tyler, a Scottish history professor at the University of Edinburgh , had this to say about the fall of the Athenian Republic some 2,000 years earlier: ‘A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government.’ ‘A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury.’

‘From that moment on, the majority always vote for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, which is always followed by a dictatorship.’

‘The average age of the world’s gr eatest civilizations from the beginning of history, has been about 200 years’ ‘During those 200 years, those nations always progressed through the following sequence:

1. from bondage to spiritual faith;
2. from spiritual faith to great courage;
3. from courage to liberty;
4. from liberty to abundance;
5. from abundance to complacency;
6. from complacency to apathy;
7. from apathy to dependence;
8. from dependence back into bondage’

Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St.
Paul , Minnesota , points out some interesting facts concerning the 2000
Presidential election:

Number of States won by: Democrats: 19 Republicans:

29 Square miles of land won by: Democrats: 580,000  Republicans: 2,427,000

Population of counties won by: Democrats: 127 million  Republicans: 143 million

Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by: Democrats: 13.2 Republicans: 2.1

Professor Olson adds: ‘In aggregate, the map of the territory Republican won was mostly the land owned by the taxpaying citizens of this great country. Democrat territory mostly encompassed those citizens living in government-owned tenements and living off various forms of government welfare.

Olson believes the United States is now somewhere between the
‘complacency and apathy’ phase of Professor Tyler’s definition of democracy, with some forty percent of the nation’s population already
having reached the ‘governmental dependency’ phase. If Congress grants
amnesty and citizenship to twenty million criminal invaders called illegal’s and they vote, then we can say goodbye to the USA in fewer than five years.

If you are in favor of this, then by all means, delete this message. If you are not, then pass this along to help everyone realize just how much is at stake, knowing that apathy is the greatest danger to our freedom.

WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE

December 4, 2008 Posted by | Life | Leave a comment

30 Years…how many more???

Where does time go?  What happens to all of those we’ve known over the years that disappear?  What happens to ourselves when bits and pieces of the personalities we’ve had start to disappear? 

What happens when one day you just start to realize that so much of your life has been unnoticed by those you’re close to, and even worse… forgotten by you?  How can someone who has accomplished so much in life, have accomplished not a single thing in personal relations.  How can things you do every single day of your life for some years just drop out of your mind like all of the friends and loved ones that have disappeared like the leave in the Fall?  Why do you fall into a pit of hopelessness, and into a realm of contentment and bliss the next?

These are a lot of the thoughts that have come to mind lately.  As some of you know I just had my 30th birthday and built my first house.  It seems like to get to those two milestones that I had to give up something.  I just go back and look at the last 30 years so much and try to understand where I sold my soul and what did I give it up for.  How do I get it back?  How do I return to the person that someone can fall in love with, can enjoy their company, and enjoy me for me? 

I think in my mind I’ve written it off so many times saying someone else is the one with the problem with me and not me causing the issue.  But when you start to take stock of what you’ve accomplished in life and realize all you’ve got is a ton of material goods what value does it hold when you’ve got a completely empty heart.  Worse yet, what if you know you can probably better yourself by changing some things about you yet your mind won’t let it happen.  One minute the depression worsens and becomes apparent, and then the next it’s a lack of even remembering how bad you felt to have written words like these. 

Is it the mind or the heart that drives you running away from the ones you do love and want to be with yet unable to say what’s on your mind to the ones who don’t interest you?  And whichever it is, shouldn’t it kick into preservation mode at some point and make you settle for something that’s good for you, and can help fill that empty heart?  At what point do you just admit defeat and agree that you’re broken beyond repair? 

There are two events in my life that I look back on and desperately wish for second chances on.  Both of them involve women.  The first did some horrible things that I have blamed her for, for many years now.  But looking at things with an empty heart and a clear head… was it not me that let it happen?  That didn’t want to discuss it instead of just walking away when things got so bad?  With that logic…isn’t the way things went really my fault after all?  The second was absolutely everything I could ask for in someone.  She was the first girls I’d EVER fallen in love with who was small, shaped beautiful, and amazingly attractive.  But one day, I felt annoyed and needed some space, maybe even just for a few hours or days at worst.  Yet, my empty broken heart took over once more, and dug a deeper hole in what began as a shallow grave. 

Both of these women, I’d literally agree to an early demise for just a couple enjoyable years with them.  Yet one is happily married, and the other is still mad enough at me she hasn’t talked to me since the day that I pulled away.  Giving my life away for some quality time with either of them seems to be a cheap price to pay compared to the one I’ve paid somewhere along the path.  For once your soul is gone, can it ever be found again?

September 19, 2008 Posted by | Life | Leave a comment